My daily bitching for today. Growing older. I never really took older adults seriously when they went on about this or that being achy or sore--problems of joints or what-have-you wearing out. My bad on that. I'm almost 45 and I *think* I've taken fairly decent care of myself. I'll tell you what---if you've ever done anything stupid now is the time it catches up with you. Car accidents, epic Frisbee tricks gone horribly wrong, the "watch this!" moments---you seemed invincible at the time. You aren't....trust me on this. It's a thing. Consider this a warning if you're a 20-something---and if you're my age we'll commiserate over a nice, cold beer.
There's something that sticks in my craw. I feel that with age comes wisdom....at least a few mistakes made and recovered from. Found some knowledge. Not that we still don't do stupid things as we continue to grow older. We do, but I'd like to think we do them *less* than we used to. That's the ideal, anyway. It's what we strive for. We also become less inclined to be talked into stupid shenanigans, as we have the ability with experience see through the bullshit a whole bunch better. It's not about "trusting" less than we did when we were younger, I'm convinced. It's more about knowing what you truly want out of life and refusing to settle. In other words we aren't as vulnerable to manipulation as we once were. That's an improvement. For sure. As a woman in her forties I'm learning to love growing older. I have a true respect for what it took to get here, "school of hard knocks" and all that. So with all this experience and wisdom, where are my rewards? Do I get to rise to a level in society as "wise woman" or have respect from younger generations who seek my counsel? Sometimes, but not as often as I would like. More often it seems that people find far more value in youthful women and "newness" rather than admiring the older generation of women which I'm rapidly finding myself. This is not the same for men, it seems. The older men get the more admirable they become--they are seen as stable and trustworthy members of society, mentors with knowledge and power. Women just get "old." When I move into the realm of "attractiveness" as men and women age it's no contest. Men win. Hands down. Why is that? They don't even need to grow old gracefully---they can get fat and unattractive with a sagging ass--still: successful and desirable.
Women are prized for their youth and beauty--their ability to be seen as an asset for the man who is with them. Once that beauty and youth fades so does the admiration. Or so it seems. But is that really the case? I'm going to tell a very personal story to try and expose what I think could be the true reason behind why the pursuit of young women is such an imperative to some men. Manipulation, entitlement and power.
My father was a dashing fellow--he was handsome in an approachable, affable way. He was one of the funniest people I've ever known. He could tell a joke and have everyone in his presence in complete stitches faster than anyone I've ever witnessed--he had that gift of timing and sharp wit. He was the life of the party and everyone adored him. He walked in a room and all eyes turned to him... When somebody speaks of someone having that special "something" I know exactly what they're talking about. That was my dad.. He had gone prematurely gray at an early age (25, I believe) and if I had to compare him to a modern incarnation of a character it would be "Mad Men's" Roger Sterling. Like many men of his generation he had the world in his hands--with all the entitlements and rewards of post-war boom America. Brilliant career, beautiful wife, perfect kids and money. He lived the idyllic suburban dream. First in his family to go to college, finishing off with a PhD in Early Childhood Education, he went on the be a gifted and celebrated school superintendent until he retired in his 60's. My dad was a sly womanizer. Women absolutely loved him--and it was not uncommon to be out in public with him and have some attractive lady hit on him--not subtly, either.(a rather uncomfortable thing to witness as his kid, let me tell you.) We kids never knew he cheated until he divorced our mom after 28 years of marriage, leaving her for a woman he had met at some college lecture he was giving...the woman was 18 when my father met her, my father was in his late 40's. I was seven years old when they divorced, and the "how's" and "why's" of my parent's break-up have defined, for good or bad, how I view long-term relationships and the dynamics between men and women. I grew up with the narrative that the value of women was totally wrapped up in their youth and attractiveness. It didn't matter how wonderful you were as a human being, companion, mother--as a woman you were never assured that you would have a future with a man. As soon as you lost your looks he would be gone. He would trade you in on a better, hotter model. That was my inner-dialog for YEARS. It seems to me that women are masters of self-torture, and it was certainly true in my case. This belief, this instability, affected me in profound and devastating ways. My husband and I have been married just shy of 25 years now, and for him it's been a constant battle. For a long time I required constant reassurance, and my insecurity required deep communication on both our parts. Still, I remained largely unconvinced that my fate would be different from my mother's--even though I thankfully married a man who was polar opposite to my own father. At 45 I finally feel confident in myself....I have also had some deep revelations that has changed the way I see the decision making behind my father's actions.
My dad had a public persona--funny, witty, the life of the party--everybody loved Hal. That is the man I like to remember--the one I wanted to exist but didn't. It has been two years since he passed away, and during that time I have made some discoveries that changed how I viewed his relationship with my mother and ultimately the cause of their break-up. It wasn't what I assumed. My dad was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It was impossible to ever truly connect with him. He was emotionally unavailable, distant and cruel. He was brutal in his emotional battery of my mother, he enjoyed watching her suffer under his verbal assaults. He would tell her she was ugly and overweight---never sparing her the further humiliation by saying those things in front of us kids. He did the same to all of us...never kind words, only cruel. He delighted in emotional battery, and I watched him keenly from a very early age, studying his methods---he would try different avenues to find your weak spots, once he defined what it was that hurt you it was "game-on." He would tell my brother he was stupid--that he would never amount to anything. He would tell my sister she was a slut, and that he was ashamed to even acknowledge that he was her father. He would tell my mother that she was a complete failure, that she used to be beautiful--but now she was ugly, fat and disgusting. I was the baby...he spared me a lot of what was directed at my mother and siblings until I got older. I spent much of my childhood observing his systematic destruction of the people he claimed to love. He destroyed my mother. My older and younger brothers both died at 23, too young and under tragic, avoidable circumstances. My sister was an alcoholic from an early age, and eventually succumbed to the method she used to escape her pain. She past away from alcohol-related illness last September. By the time my father turned he derision to me I had already figured out the game...and I refused to play it. I never let him control me. I was left with a void where the relationship with him would have been, and I regret not having a better father. But he was what he was, and for better or worse I got what I got. I decided to learn what I could from him, love him for what he was and move past the dysfunction rather than letting it consume me. As I have started to deeply question his motivations things I didn't expect have cropped up. My father's departure for a much-younger woman is only *part* of the story, it seems.
My father totally broke my mother emotionally. By the time she refused to fight back the writing was already on the wall. He was done. Challenge over. She had nothing left to give him. Time to move on to the next woman to conquer. When he met his future wife number two he was already grooming her for his particular brand of control and dominance. That is what he craved....not younger women, but a woman who would bend to his will, live under his control and submit. He appreciated that she would fight back, but only so he could beat her down and feel accomplishment when she relinquished more control to him. Most young women just don't have the life experience to know how to navigate or recognize unhealthy behavior. They are eager to please and ignore the early signs of an abuser. This was the big reveal for me....my father didn't leave my mother for a younger, more attractive woman--he left my mother for someone he could more readily manipulate. Someone malleable. My mother was no longer malleable....he pushed her too far and broke her. That was the pattern for the rest of his life---to dominate and control all people in his life. If he "loved" you he felt compelled to control you. That is where love felt comfortable to him--only when he controlled it.
In a way my father grew up in what would be considered the perfect time for him and his personal methodology. He could act like an asshole, leave his family and responsibilities in pursuit of what appeared to be greener pastures. Those were the days--the 50's, 60's and 70's--you could abuse your wife and family and nobody really batted an eye. You could marry a much-younger woman and your friends would pat you on the back, "Good job, Mr. Stud." I'd like to say it's different now.....but I can't. Yet. The issue here is larger than my experience with my father---it's everywhere. The current societal structure rewards misogynistic behavior in men, and continues to deny true empowerment to women---and men--just FYI--"Female Empowerment" does not mean the ability to have "indiscriminate sex" with you. Young women are celebrated for their beauty and malleability. Older women are shamed into silence and discarded for lack of value. What it boils down to is that many men do not want to be challenged to change their irresponsible behavior, they want to keep cruising down the easy road of male entitlement. Older women won't put up with their shit---so out we go. This is unacceptable....time for a paradigm change.
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