Taking You Down a Notch

This was written by Vince Stamper...call him a Guest Blogger today :-)





Mike was a popular kid-one of those kids that everyone seemed to look up to. He was charming, gregarious, and a class clown in a way that was mistaken as witty. His family was successful, in a small town way. He always wore the latest fashions, which in 1979 Oregon was Britannia Jeans, Nike waffle shoes, and a colorful T-shirt that would now be coveted by Hipsters. His parents would take him and his friends to concerts in Portland. In hindsight might have been a bit inappropriate for fifth graders, especially dropping off unescorted ten year olds for Styx, Van Halen and AC/DC shows. They would come back with concert T-shirts, and whisper stories of sneaking in booze and smoking pot, which in hindsight was designed to make the rest of us feel childish and unsophisticated.
One time he looked at me and said “you are really smart.” Anyone overhearing it would have assumed it was a compliment. The smirk on his face belied the true intent. In that moment, we both understood that I might be smart, but it didn’t matter, because he was popular.
Unwittingly, he was practicing what what those in today’s Pick Up Artist community would call the perfect Neg. It was a Low-grade insult disguised as a compliment, meant to undermine self-confidence such that one might be more vulnerable to his advances. I later watched him do it to girls in our school, for an entirely different objective, but the intent was the same.
Occasionally he would seek me out to partner on some class assignment, or to try and get help with homework or test answers. It was a small price to pay to be included in some of those whispered conversations, and to be acknowledged, if only temporarily by him and his friends.
As time passed, I became less enamored and tolerant of his antics. It was a bipolar kind of relationship: friendly when it served a purpose, and ugly when ridiculing or shunning me would win points with his friends. I started to see his insecurity grow as my own athletic abilities began to overshadow his compulsion for sports, and as girls started to notice me. That is when the shunning and ridicule began in earnest. I was starting to infringe on his brand, and see just how fragile it was. Despite his superior ball handling skills, and my clumsiness, I was a 6’3’’ seventh grader who could run mile after mile at a seven minute pace. In hindsight, his and other boys’ efforts were amazingly effective in putting me in my place. Despite the fact that I easily could have made my father’s day by becoming a Football or Basketball star, by High School I opted for the far less popular Cross Country and Track. I was no longer a threat to Mike, and he didn’t bother with the compliments. There was an implied truce in which I could be smart, and athletic, as long as I was not popular, or pursued any of the girls he or his friends found attractive, and so I dated girls from out of town, and kept my head relatively low. I became a loner and a nerd.
Yesterday, Carrie went to the gas station, and paid at the pump, but when she tried to put gas in the car, the pump would not reset. She walked into the mini mart, and the cliché Middle Eastern attendant stated that “It should work fine now, have a nice day.” In hindsight he seemed a little smug, but she dismissed it and went out to fill the tank. One of the customers that had been in line inside came out to his car. As he passed he laughingly told her “the attendant was bragging that he purposely did not reset the pump because he wanted to get a closer look at you.” When Carrie shared this, and her disgust that some man made her waste time walking into the store when she could have been finishing putting gas in the car and been on her way, she was told she should consider it a compliment. Under different circumstances this type of unsolicited attention might be a compliment. If it came from someone Carrie would actually consider flirting with, like Brad Pitt or George Clooney, or she had gone to extraordinary lengths to dress or groom herself for a special occasion, then it might have been welcome from someone she knew and felt safe with. Under these circumstances it was just a Neg. You might be smart, accomplished, sexy and feminine, but I am a man, and I can make you have to walk into my store if I want to get a closer look.

Bully Nation

Tripping around the internet is like watching a circle firing squad. I try to avoid it, but inevitably there are topics that interest me, that I have a passion for and I end up reading someone's "news" story, blog or general opinion. No way to avoid it, really, being a world citizen of the intartubes. I work to keep my involvement to a minimum, at the very least. There is always something to be outraged about. Over the years I've learned to modify how I deal with issues on the internet to save myself endless amounts of grief. "Choose your battles" has become the mantra I live by. We all have opinions, it's impossible to agree on everything, but it is possible to be kind when imparting your worldview....and we can skip the hatred and cruelty altogether.

This morning I saw a friend's post on Facebook regarding Will and Jada Smith. The thumbnail was a very attractive shot of Jada's shapely butt and Will's lovely, sculptured arms. The couple was frolicking on a beach with their children somewhere sunny and gorgeous. A moment of family bliss. Apparently it wasn't enough that these two beautiful people are middle-aged and have obviously worked very hard to maintain themselves to Hollywood's ridiculous standards. My Facebook friend's problem came from the comments on the story, which was on TMZ, obviously the lowest common denominator in cheap, tabloid bullshit. He couldn't believe the level of derision and judgement on the part of people who read the article. The comments are so full of hate that it boggles the mind. Will and Jada are called out because they are: "Ugly, bad parents, entitled assholes, have ugly children" and various laments regarding their celebrity stature.

Why is it that people feel free to say hateful things when they hide behind the internet? Chances are they'll never meet the people they are insulting. Is it that anonymity that encourages people to bully other people? How do they believe they can assess personal, private issues of other people and speak about them with any expertise? Maybe they think that the person they are slamming will never see the comment. If that's the case, why even say it? Following the trail of their broken logic leads me to believe that they are looking for approval from their peers, a sad "pat-on-the-back-way-to-go-man!" The kind of thing we used to see in High School. Either that, or they enjoy seeing their own words tear down someone to make themselves feel better. People want to feel powerful, they want to be "winners." "Winning" is seen as "beating up" your rivals, then doing a victory dance in the end-zone. Whatever it is that motivates people to be hateful, it's gawdawful to witness.

What if kindness was seen as a positive attribute in all people? What if empathy was something human beings strove for when determining their place in society?

It's not just celebrities who end up in the cross-hairs of focused hate. Women who speak up against misogyny and patriarchy, gay people who stand up against hate and discrimination, transgender people who are demanding their basic human rights. Hell, anyone who happens to fall into the public spotlight is subject to public scrutiny, cruelty and even death threats.

I think there are many layers to the problem of cruelty in our culture. I do not believe empathy is encouraged in our society. People who are snarky, nasty and mean are seen as "clever" and the bad behavior of ripping other people to shreds is lauded as crafty and funny. We send mixed messages of kindness/cruelty with campaigns against bullies, but on the same flip of a coin we see people campaigning against bullies bullying people themselves. In movies we root for the abused underdog, the downtrodden...and we encourage the bullies, we lift them up to heroic stature. The conflicted models are very visible and obvious. They exist together in a disharmonious claptrap of confusion.

There is also a public shaming of people who stand up against hate-filled dialog. People are told that we are living in a "Culture of Offense" and that if they see/hear something that is offensive to them, they ought to just let it pass without saying anything because "If you're offended it's only because you let yourself be," not that what was said was offensive. Shaming people into silence because you do not agree on what is/is not offensive is bullying. It is. You cannot dictate to others what they find hurtful. Is some of it silly? To you, perhaps. My biggest question here boils down to this: How difficult is it for you to be conscious of other people's feelings, how hard is it for you to be kind?

There have been times in my life where admittedly I did the same thing. Not to the extent that some do, but I said hurtful things to people I'd never meet, comments based on my own insecurities about myself at that time, or judgments I made against other people based on my personal belief system and programming. Today I work to understand other people, their current situations and life experiences. It is not my responsibility to judge people's choices. I think it is ALL of our responsibility to call out bullying, hate and cruelty. Hopefully we can create a movement where we stand up against abusing other people, all people.

Kindness is not difficult. If it is then we're doing something wrong and we ought to have a discussion as to why it's such a Herculean task.